人生不过如此

科罗拉多电影院的枪声响起之时，我能想到更多的是那个滑雪圣地，想到从一千英尺竖直滑下的惊险和刺激。俄勒冈的枪声想起之时，我只想到扛着巨幅相机走在田间地头的Bozeman。八月路过帝国大厦的时候，枪声已经近在耳边。而今天早上，康州的枪声响起，一只黑手伸向了孩子。

每天早晨我送两个孩子上学，都会对他们说：“Have a nice day!” 他们一边跳下车一边说：“I love you infinity”，剩下我，看着他们头也不回的背影，跑进校门，消失在几米之外的走廊里。

这句话是从I love you来的。

I love you
I love you too
I love you three

I love you one hundred
I love you one million
I love you one trillion

等到Joey知道infinity的时候，他就用在了这里。弟弟说，那我love妈妈infinity infinity. Joey说”不对，嘟嘟那个没有比我多。” 他们有的时候会考我，妈妈，你知道zero plus zero是几吗？我说zero。连嘟嘟都会说，不对，妈妈，是eight!

我想好多小孩子在早晨离开爸爸妈妈的时候，都会说I love you, 再跟着一个很大很大的数字。

康州的二十个孩子，今天肯定也是这样离开家的。但仅仅过去了一个小时，他们的生命就永远地凝固在血泊里了。

我中午在Barnes & Noble买到了王佩推荐的漫画书《Building Stoies》，还在想回家要不要讲给孩子们听，就在下午接他们的时候，从别的妈妈那里，听到了这二十个孩子的消息。危险来临的时候，总是没有征兆的。我等着孩子们打篮球打棒球的时候，和Carol讨论这件事直到天彻底黑下来。

校门是永远上锁的。Carol说，她按学校门铃的时候，不知道给她开门的人认识不认识她。如果随便一个人来，门开了，怎么能够知道他不是带着枪来杀死孩子们的？我说，学校有要求我提供社会安全号，以调查我没有犯罪背景，才能够去教室做义工。Carol说，那是不是每个进来的人都有调查过呢？我说，作为某个老师的儿子，要求进来学校，如果按了门铃，又有什么理由不让他进来呢。

学校外面是没有围墙的。放学或者休息时间，在playground玩的小孩如此之多，如果用枪扫射，五十个孩子也能打倒。接孩子的爸爸妈妈这么多，这么密集，用一百发子弹，能打中超过一百个人。

电影院，shopping mall，到处都是人。而枪，无所不在的枪支，比起水果刀凶猛太多了。所以我们就谈到了禁枪的问题，谈到宪法第二修正案的问题，谈到纽约市长布隆伯格昨天关于限制枪支的发言，谈到我们应该怎么保护自己的孩子。

前一阵Winchester一个暴怒的男人，拿家里的枪杀死了自己的妻子，岳母和两个孩子。如果枪支没有那么容易获得，他们家也许一个人都不会死。在Woburn的Kolh’s，才抢了几个钱啊，就能打死一个马上要退休的警察。

远远近近的枪声，此起彼伏。

如果枪支没有那么容易获得，这二十岁性格只是有点孤僻的Adam，绝对不会有机会合法拿到四支枪，绝对不会打出一百多发子弹，让全美国的家庭今天晚上都陷入悲痛之中。

我想我应该和孩子们谈一谈，于是在回家的路上，我说，今天发生了一件大事，在我们每次从纽约回来的路上，经过的一个地方，有二十个和你们差不多大的小孩在学校被枪打死了。因为有一个人先杀死了自己的爸爸，然后杀死了妈妈，拿着枪冲进他妈妈教课的学校，那是个kindergarten，小孩和嘟嘟一样大，所有的小孩都被打死了。

Joey问，为什么呢？他为什么要这样做呢？我说，不知道，他大概insane吧，他有mental problem.

Joey说为什么呢，为什么呢。我说，妈妈不知道，告诉你们这件事是因为，妈妈想让你们知道，如果要遇到这样的事，你们应该怎么办。

我说，如果有人闯进来，开枪，你们就赶快躺下，躺在地上，装做被打中了，他就不会再打你了。或者，你立刻爬到桌子下面去，别出来。或者你们就钻到bathroom里面去，把门锁上。

Joey说，如果他的枪掉在地上怎么办？那我就捡起来扔进垃圾桶吧。我说千万别，他会抢过来打你的，你就躺在地方装没看见吧。

Joey说，那我能不能用捡的枪把他打死？

这个问题我不知道怎么回答，还在想。

嘟嘟有点吓到了，一直问，他为什么会insane呢？为什么呢？为什么呢？回家以后就缩在沙发角上，读他的《Diary of Wimpy Kids》，后来终于对我说，妈妈，他是不是因为吃了毒蘑菇？嘟嘟一直记得灰太狼吃了毒蘑菇，咬了他的老婆，就这样联系到一起了。

电视里的每个台都在播枪击案。嘟嘟对于电视里的东西有着惊人的理解力，吓得一直让我抱。我只好让他看卡通，希望他可以忘了这件事。可嘟嘟说，“这件事，妈妈我会一直记得的。”

那二十个小孩的爸爸妈妈，今天晚上都是怎么过的呀？

后来就收到嘟嘟老师的信，可以想象她有多难过。Ms. Simon说，她再也不在早晨把教室门半开着了，平时永远锁上。她想尽力让孩子暴露在自然环境里的时间，是彻底安全的。她转来了学校心里辅导员的建议。Sandy Hook学校的校长和心里辅导员都被杀死了，Dr. Sullivan的心里肯定也很难过，她写了一些注意事项。贴出来，让更多的人可以参考。

不知道说些什么了。

Take care.

—————–

A National Tragedy: Helping Children Cope

Tips for Parents and Teachers

Whenever a national tragedy occurs children, like many people, may be confused or frightened. Most likely they will look to adults for information and guidance on how to react.  Parents and school personnel can help children cope first and foremost by establishing a sense of safety and security. As more information becomes available, adults can continue to help children work through their emotions and perhaps even use the process as a learning experience.

All Adults Should:

1. Model calm and control.  Children take their emotional cues from the significant adults in their lives. Avoid appearing anxious or frightened.

2. Reassure children that they are safe and (if true) so are the other important adults in their lives. Depending on the situation, point out factors that help insure their immediate safety and that of their community.

3. Remind them that trustworthy people are in charge.  Explain that the government emergency workers, police, firefighters, doctors, and the military are helping people who are hurt and are working to ensure that no further tragedies occur.

4. Let children know that it is okay to feel upset.  Explain that all feelings are okay when a tragedy like this occurs.  Let children talk about their feelings and help put them into perspective.  Even anger is okay, but children may need help and patience from adults to assist them in expressing these feelings appropriately.

5. Observe children’s emotional state.  Depending on their age, children may not express their concerns verbally. Changes in behavior, appetite, and sleep patterns can also indicate a child’s level of grief, anxiety or discomfort.  Children will express their emotions differently. There is no right or wrong way to feel or express grief.

6. Look for children at greater risk.  Children who have had a past traumatic experience or personal loss, suffer from depression or other mental illness, or with special needs may be at greater risk for severe reactions than others.  Be particularly observant for those who may be at risk of suicide.  Seek the help of mental health professional if you are at all concerned.

7. Tell children the truth. Don’t try to pretend the event has not occurred or that it is not serious.  Children are smart.  They will be more worried if they think you are too afraid to tell them what is happening.

8. Stick to the facts.  Don’t embellish or speculate about what has happened and what might happen. Don’t dwell on the scale or scope of the tragedy, particularly with young children.

9. Keep your explanations developmentally appropriate. Early elementary school children need brief, simple information that should be balanced with reassurances that the daily structures of their lives will not change. Upper elementary and early middle school children will be more vocal in asking questions about whether they truly are safe and what is being done at their school.  They may need assistance separating reality from fantasy. Upper middle school and high school students will have strong and varying opinions about the causes of violence and threats to safety in schools and society.  They will share concrete suggestions about how to make school safer and how to prevent tragedies in society. They will be more committed to doing something to help the victims and affected community.  For all children, encourage them to verbalize their thoughts and feelings. Be a good listener!

10. Monitor your own stress level. Don’t ignore your own feelings of anxiety, grief, and anger. Talking to friends, family members, religious leaders, and mental health counselors can help. It is okay to let your children know that you are sad, but that you believe things will get better. You will be better able to support your children if you can express your own emotions in a productive manner. Get appropriate sleep, nutrition, and exercise.

What Parents Can Do:

1. Focus on your children over the week following the tragedy.  Tell them you love them and everything will be okay. Try to help them understand what has happened, keeping in mind their developmental level.

2. Make time to talk with your children.  Remember if you do not talk to your children about this incident someone else will. Take some time and determine what you wish to say.

3. Stay close to your children. Your physical presence will reassure them and give you the opportunity to monitor their reaction. Many children will want actual physical contact.  Give plenty of hugs.  Let them sit close to you, and make sure to take extra time at bedtime to cuddle and to reassure them that they are loved and safe.

4. Limit your child’s television viewing of these events.  If they must watch, watch with them for a brief time; then turn the set off.  Don’t sit mesmerized re-watching the same events over and over again.

5. Maintain a “normal” routine. To the extent possible stick to your family’s normal routine for dinner, homework, chores, bedtime, etc., but don’t be inflexible.  Children may have a hard time concentrating on schoolwork or falling asleep at night.

6. Spend extra time reading or playing quiet games with your children before bed.  These activities are calming, foster a sense of closeness and security, and reinforce a sense of normalcy. Spend more time tucking them in.  Let them sleep with a light on if they ask for it.

7. Safeguard your children’s physical health.  Stress can take a physical toll on children as well as adults.  Make sure your children get appropriate sleep, exercise, and nutrition.

8. Consider thinking hopeful thoughts for the victims and their families.  It may be a good time to encourage your child to write a poem or draw a picture to help your child express their feelings and feel that they are somehow supporting the victims and their families.

What Schools Can Do:

1. Assure children that they are safe and that schools are well prepared to take care of all children at all times.

2. Maintain structure and stability within the schools. It would be best, however, not to have tests or major projects within the next few days.

3. Have a plan for the first few days back at school.  Include school psychologists, counselors, and crisis team members in planning the school’s response.

4. Provide teachers and parents with information about what to say and do for children in school and at home.

5. Have teachers provide information directly to their students, not during the public address announcements.

6. Have school psychologists and counselors available to talk to students and staff who may need or want extra support.

7. Be aware of students who may have recently experienced a personal tragedy or a have personal connection to victims or their families.  Even a child who has merely visited the affected area or community may have a strong reaction. Provide these students extra support and leniency if necessary.

8. Know what community resources are available for children who may need extra counseling. School psychologists can be very helpful in directing families to the right community resources.

9. Allow time for age appropriate classroom discussion and activities. Do not expect teachers to provide all of the answers.  They should ask questions and guide the discussion, but not dominate it.  Other activities can include art and writing projects, play acting, and physical games.

10. Be careful not to stereotype people or countries that might be associated with the tragedy. Children can easily generalize negative statements and develop prejudice. Talk about tolerance and justice versus vengeance. Stop any bullying or teasing of students immediately.

11. Refer children who exhibit extreme anxiety, fear or anger to mental health counselors in the school. Inform their parents.

12. Provide an outlet for students’ desire to help.  Consider making get well cards or sending letters to the families and survivors of the tragedy, or writing thank you letters to doctors, nurses, and other health care professionals as well as emergency rescue workers, firefighters and police.

13. Monitor or restrict viewing scenes of the event as well as the aftermath.